Going On Dates With Indie Game Characters

The ultimate act of hipster…

So everyone’s least favourite holiday is here – yes, it’s Valentines Day. Time for some cheap chocolate and a tacky card from someone who feels sorry for you. Fortunately, to save you a whole load of hassle – I went on five dates with five eligible indie game stars, so you don’t have to. I won’t lie, I’ve had better weeks. Below I detail all the ins and outs of these dodgy blind-dates.

Date One – Toriel, Undertale

So Toriel wouldn’t accept my invitation to go out to eat, insisting instead on having me over for dinner. I was genuinely up for it until she sent me a hand-written letter in the post a full seven days beforehand. Once I had accepted (by sending a signed RSVP), I then received roughly 46 text messages asking me what my favourite pie flavours were. I don’t even like pie.

Once I arrived it was nice, though a little weird being at someone’s house this early in the dating cycle, but I’m all about the shabby-chic decor. Initially, it seemed like we had a lot in common. We talked literature, cooking, and how men are the worst – over an admittedly incredible butterscotch pie.

Were this where the date had ended, I’m sure there would have been a second. Unfortunately, at some point during the date, things turned a little… slimy. A casual mention of snails turned into an insistence on their superiority, their texture, their flavour… I gotta be honest for an older lady she sure is into some open-minded stuff. I’m not about that life though, so I went home – thoroughly unslimed.

Date Two – Zagreus, Hades

I’ve heard plenty about Zagreus, but based off his photos alone I thought I ought to give this date a go. Let’s face it; this dude is blessed with some godly good looks. We met at the back of a dive bar on the edge of the city – it’s almost as if he was preparing for a monologue, and I could barely get a word in edgeways. On the rare occasion he wasn’t unnecessarily performing a pretentious linguistic ballet, he was checking out the waiters and waitresses, which isn’t great form. 

Five minutes in and it was already pretty obvious that the daddy issues were a bigger deal than I thought. This guy probably isn’t ready to date until he undergoes an extensive regime of therapeutic sessions. Every other sentence revolved around his old man, to the point where I realised he was only on a date with me to spite him.

As much as I was hoping for some hot action – and I’m sorry to disappoint – I walked out after the first drink. 

Date Three – Paradigm, Paradigm

After the photo Paradigm had submitted of himself, I didn’t know what to expect. I mean, he had described himself as having “a good sense of h(t)umor”. That gets him in my good books, and honestly – looks arent everything. 

We shook hands, a bit formal, then sat for some sushi. He kept showing me his Soundcloud and it wasn’t bad. There were a fair few tunes here and there, but I was a little repelled by the use of the word “beatsies”. Plus, my dude had some weird hang-ups, like how much he hated glam rock and sloths. I’m partial to a bit of both, so found myself nodding along as he launched into his fifth tirade of the night.

Eventually, it all got too much. He was pretty nervous the whole time, but the moment an aubergine was served up, he lost it. I’m not even sure if I’ll hear from him again, he didn’t seem to know what a phone was.

Date Four – Gundham Tanaka, Danganronpa V3

Similar to Zagreus; the cool, dark, brooding vibe caught me here. The little streak of grey, the scar, I wanted to know the tales they told. We met for a picnic, complete with doughnuts and coffee – surprisingly, he had made them himself. Points gained for that bit, but lost for the fact that none of them were for me. No sooner had he arrived and taken a singular compliment on his scarf, he was shaking out a long line of hamsters from his sleeve. He called it “Ushering forth the Dark Devas of Destruction”, but I call it bad manners. 

The hamsters settled into a fine feast of doughnuts, while we sipped the coffee and talked. Although a little brash and noisy, he struck me as a lonely soul. Poor Gundham was a ball of insecurity, easy on the eyes but a little wounded. I motioned to give him a hug, and he burst into tears, later pretending it was due to a bite he sustained from a rogue bird. 

I honestly didn’t know what had hit me when this date was done, but we spent a good deal of it talking to animals and discussing our favourite fabrics. He was a gentleman from start to finish, and I think we could see each other again if he promises to leave the petting zoo at home.

Date Five – Freya, Coffee Talk

I’ve heard talk of instant chemistry, but I sure didn’t believe in it until today. We went to get coffee, of course, and almost immediately fell into an easy back-and-forth. The woes of deadlines, the trials of insomnia, and the perilous tightrope of freelancing were all discussed at length. She looked tired, I looked tired, but the world-weariness was eased for a moment.

After the coffee, we went to a library and tried to find the most ridiculously titled books we could. A bond was formed over hating the same overrated literature, and we eventually got kicked out for giggling too loud. Four espresso shots later and she’s finally ready for bed, so we say our goodbyes and almost touch hands.

I’d say this was the most successful date of them all, but there’s no future here. No one wants to date themselves, and I know I sure as hell don’t want to be the poor sap who ends up dating me. Besides, I don’t have the heart to tell her I prefer tea.